A Recipe for Awful Creative Feedback

Yields: 1 demoralized creative
Serves: None

A friend or colleague just sent you their book or film or app or product or album. They’ve worked very hard on it and would like your suggestions for improvement. 

Naturally, you want to do the worst job possible and be as distracting as possible.

Follow this simple recipe!

Ingredients

• 100 tons of ego

• Heaping tablespoons of vague suggestions

• A pinch of resentment

Instructions

1. It’s about YOU

Look in the mirror and repeat this three times:
“I am what’s truly important.”

Smile, mouth only, no eyes. Crack your knuckles. Let’s get ready to rumble.

2. The truth hurts so make it HURT

Bluntly criticize and give opinions. Be cruel and careless. “This is boring!” “It’s just not working.”

NEVER give specific ideas for actions. NEVER express these notes in a neutral style. 

Consistently insinuate that the work would be much better if it was done by you.

3. OVERWHELM and EXASPERATE

Inundate them with feedback, regardless of the project’s stage. Suggest major overhauls, preferably ones that contradict previous notes. Make it clear that scrapping the project entirely is the best overall choice.

4. Avoid BREVITY

Make your message as long as possible. Each point should be a winding essay with tangents. Let them luxuriate in your wisdom.

5. CAPS LOCK

Garnish your treatise with ALL CAPS.

6. KEEP SCORE

After you give your notes, be sure to KEEP SCORE. Which of your notes did they obey or disobey? If they didn’t do your note, that is a SLIGHT! Hold that grudge.

Casually bring up their “mistakes” at unexpected moments long after the project is complete.

Serving Suggestion: Ghost them for added confusion and despair.